Overcoming shame barriers to find the joy in a bike ride...

TL;DR; Feeling body shame can keep us from building (or rebuilding!) healthy activity habits.  But freeing ourselves up to set realistic, value-driven goals, finding joy and cultivating positive self-talk, enlisting the support of a  friend, setting aside self-criticism - and then, sometimes a lemonade - can help us get back on track. Success comes in small steps, and today, I succeeded!

Shameful confession:  I had a “secret.”  Over the last few years, I've gotten fat and out of shape.  (Whew, that is hard to say!) It's true. I feel ashamed (especially as a physician and health coach who "should have known better.") I feel self-blame at letting my life balance get so out of whack, again, after 7 years of maintaining a really healthy physique.

I decided to share today's story for anyone else who may be struggling with similar issues.  This is where sharing, and coaching, can be of help.  Yes, good habits can backslide, for any of us.  Balance can be lost, AND it can be regained.

Let's face it, my exercise and fitness downhill slide started when Trump was elected, and only worsened during the pandemic quarantine. Along the way, I abandoned many of my physical wellness goals.  Stress eating a cupcake became stress eating a box of cupcakes (Entenman's much better than Hostess, in case you are wondering).  Sugar became an addictive drug that was my nightcap during lonely winter evenings.  Gyms closing meant an end to my already diminished workouts. The long, unpleasant Minnesota winter made it all worse.

I got out of touch with my own body and stopped paying attention.  I gained weight, ignoring the “muffin top” until it became more of a “muffin.” Now, before my "Healthy at All Sizes" friends jump on me about this, I do not automatically equate fat/overweight with out of shape; I know you can be healthy without obsessing over pounds! But I had become  out of sync with my body, noticing aching joints, less flexibility, less energy. 

Yuck.  Stuck.  

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt yourself trapped in negative patterns around “trying to get back in shape?” In the path toward starting to regain my fitness, this is what I have re-discovered:

Feeling shame is not a good motivator. Negative self talk is not inspirational.

Listening to the “inner critic” of poor self-esteem doesn’t really help us find our way to our best.

Overdoing it - jumping back in too fast and then feeling pain or injury - backfires and can be discouraging.    

“Squeezing into” poorly fitting workout clothes or judging our appearance simply amplifies the voices of self-doubt. 

 In April and May, when I decided to reclaim my fitness, I could almost sense those negative distortions creeping into my soul, like a warped funhouse mirror  - you know the one? - that makes you look LUDICROUSly wide. 

SO this is where we get to THE GOOD NEWS.  Health coach, coach thyself!  Over the last few weeks I started finding ways to get past those barriers.  I coach others to do this - and we can't ask our clients to do work that we are not willing to do ourselves. I reached out towards my own skill of optimism, and built on the strengths I knew I had to build an environment that would support my goals.

First,  made some small changes to “feather my nest” and make little bytes of exercise easy to incorporate into my day at home as this year progresses.

I dug out my dumbbells and set them up near the TV.  Not the big weights I used to lift, but a few sets of reps every other day will add up (ask my aching traps and lats, or my quads from the oh so difficult goblet squats). 

I dug out some loose sweatpants.  No one is here to criticize my workout gear! 

I signed up for some online yoga classes, resistance band classes and free weight classes.  If they are on my Google Calendar, I will do them. 

I ordered a rowing machine to put in my limited space in my basement.  (Soon I will even set it up!)

And then, TODAY, I broke through the real barrier;  I overcame the barrier of embarrassment and self-criticism that played like background music in my brain. I changed my goal; not to “get back in shape,” but instead, visualized growing and reaching to reclaim my sense of wellness, joy, and confidence.

Dusted off my bike and dug out the jersey and bike shorts.  And I enlisted the help of a good friend; I asked Bill, my partner of 25 years, to support me in a slow, pleasant ride with the sole goal of  simply feeling happiness. Against his normal competitive instincts, he agreed, and  we drove out west of the Twin Cities for a scenic trail ride around Lake Minnetonka.

Now, in this story, my confidence did not suddenly and  magically reappear.  I know all too well the pain (knee, back, neck, or most likely BUTT pain!) that too much hubris can cause, and I didn't want that!  I know the temptation to get competitive with Bill to push ourselves faster or farther.  I didn't want that either.

John Kennedy got it right….

Biking seemed like the most natural and fun way to add a little movement to the glorious Minnesota summer.

What I wanted - and clearly asked Bill to join me in achieving - was the sense of joyful freedom that we felt as teenagers on our bikes in the summertime.  Do you remember that? The freedom of exploration. Wind in our hair, flying downhill.  Feeling free and joyful and enjoying the sense of SUMMER all around.  Enjoying the scenery.  Not worried.  Free.  Joyful.

Guess what?

It worked. It worked!

Today’s bike ride was JUST LONG ENOUGH.  Just fast enough (ok, it was really more of a wheeled ramble).  It was a beautiful day and the ride brought us both a sense of serenity and relaxation.  We shared good conversation, stopped for a lemonade along the way, felt the breezes, heard the birds, and came home happy.

Bill and me, near the end of a beautiful ride. Still smiling!

Thank you, Bill, for being a good friend.  Thanks for the conversation along the trail. Thanks for supporting my goal, and for slowing down with me when my creaky knee started complaining at me on that last uphill. 

We didn't go as far as we have in the past.  We didn't go as fast as we have in the past. 

But we had fun. 

That is worth EVERYTHING.

Getting back on track!  And feeling joyful about it!

GOAL ACHIEVED!