How will our relationship survive this quarantine?

“How will our relationship ever survive this quarantine?”

The old joke goes, “I married him for better or worse, but not for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” Perhaps you’ve noticed stress on your relationship or marriage as the prolonged quarantine goes on - you aren’t alone.

Under this extended period of isolation, support agencies and attorneys are reporting a surge in calls about both divorces and domestic violence. Many couples are struggling to manage the stress of chronic anxiety, with fears about physical health, financial stress, and social isolation. Having children in the home full-time, especially for working couples, brings additional pressures. And we no longer have our normal “breaks” from each other to pursue separate interests and friendships that would normally buoy and reenergize us. Studies from other settings of quarantine have shown significant boredom, frustration and anger, and some research suggests that these short term effects can become long-lasting. This can take a toll on even the healthiest of relationships, even more on those that are already stressed or shaky.

So how can you protect your relationship, and your sanity, while in “lockdown” with a partner?

Asking yourself questions is as important as giving answers. Here are a few tips that can help:

1. “How are my reactions different from my partner’s? Why is he/she not getting it?”

Be tolerant of each other’s differences in coping with stress. Some people are better at coping with the unknown than others, while those who generally need more predictability and stability in their normal lives are suffering differently as the ongoing pandemic is depriving us of certainty. Each person uses different techniques to cope with uncertainty. Building “tolerance for ambiguity” looks different person to person; some people cope by being extremely organized, or “super productive”, while others appear more sanguine, shut down, or even seem to be in denial of any stress. There is no intrinsically right approach. Try to maintain compassion for yourself as well as your partner! No one is operating “at their best” in a time of chronic stress, as the thoughtful pre-frontal cortex of the brain that is our evolved sense can be hijacked by the primitive “fight or flight” survival parts of the brain. We all need a little forgiveness.

2. “How should I react when he/she just makes me SO MAD?”

A marriage therapist I respect greatly has taught me the phrase, “try to be curious, not furious.” I counsel my clients to note when they feel that “fight or flight” sensation - and then “freeze” for a moment, letting the next sentence be a question instead of an accusation, declaration, or demand. Be curious about your partner; what was underneath their responses? Chronic stress can bring up old traumatic memories, or “push our buttons,” in unexpected ways, so learning more about them at the beginning of a fight can be an opportunity to understand each other better; try to can pause, and let mindful curiosity win over defensiveness whenever possible. And when you ask your partner a question instead of letting an accusation fly, they will feel more heard and more affirmed, which can build rather than damage intimacy.

3. “Why do I feel he/she is not responding when I talk to them?”, or, “Why do I feel so irritated when they come in to talk to me?”

Learn to develop and respect new boundaries. As people’s romantic lives, work lives, and domestic lives are piling on top of each other without clear separation, the need for finding space and time away from each other is critical. When sharing space, it’s easy to assume that your partner is open to hearing your thoughts at all moments, invading their need for engagement in other tasks. Think of entering each other’s space as if each of you is watching a different movie. If you interrupt that, you are asking them to pause the movie while you take over their screen. Be respectful of checking in on that process, and consider scheduling times to connect or be quietly in parallel.

4. “What do I do if the issues really do need to be fought about?”

You might actually need to fight! Not all conversations are pleasant, easy, or even collaborative. You may need to have that passionate disagreement and hash out differences. If you feel a confrontation coming on, try actually agreeing to schedule the fight at a specified time. Agreeing to schedule the conversation at a specified time allows you to prepare your thoughts, breathe, be mindful in your responses, and reduce stress on kids or others in the house as well as yourself. It may also help both partners find clarity, mitigating the damage of the disagreement overall.

5. “What good traits could I be thankful for?”

Show appreciation for small favors. Criticism is easy - to maintain closeness, try to go easy on that during this enforced close time. This probably isn’t the time to work on correcting each others’ small faults. Remember to say “thank you” for every small act of kindness you can notice. Helen La Kelly Hunt, pioneer of the Imago theory of marriage therapy, recommends telling your spouse three things you appreciated about them that day before you go to sleep at night. If that seems daunting, consider starting with ONE. If that seems too daunting, consider simply acknowledging it to yourself for now. Like any new habit, small steps you can live with will help strengthen those connections. Form a new routine by practicing it.

Financial stressors can add to the tensions of working from home in close quarters.

6. “What if none of this seems to be working?”

Finally, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Relationships are tricky, and there is no weakness in seeking extra support and guidance. Seeking support from a coach or therapist can help give you a safe space to process this, so that your romantic partner is not expected to take over that role as well, and allow you to use the time to sort through what is most important to you in moving forwards with your spouse/loved one/partner. Mindfully seeking guidance for improved communication, value clarification and stress management is healthier than simply letting things brew until you pick up the phone for a lawyer!

When the dust settles, some relationships will survive and thrive, while others may end. Take the time to make good choices along the way.

Note: If you are truly unsafe in your relationship, it is critical to reach out. The US National Domestic Violence Hotline - a central source to help you find local resources - is www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233.